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What to get the Italian Futurist who has everything!

Holiday shopping can be tough, especially for that special someone who has everything…but what about the Italian Futurist who has everything?!  Good thing I’m here to help.

That appalling statue that everyone adores in the Louvre.  Photo courtesy of Elanna.

Gift #1: Help them destroy the past.

“We affirm that the world’s magnificence has been enriched by a new beauty: the beauty of speed. A racing car whose hood is adorned with great pipes, like serpents of explosive breath—a roaring car that seems to ride on grapeshot is more beautiful than the Victory of Samothrace.” – F.T. Marinetti

See the Winged Victory of Samothrace above…star of the Louvre?  CRUSH IT!  DESTROY IT! Then put the rubble in a spectacularly wrapped box and wait anxiously for the joy at will appear on your Italian Futurist’s face when it is opened Christmas morning.  The past is merely a passéist idea that the bourgeoisie cling to in order to stay important.

If you’d like to avoid jail time, go with a replica!  Perhaps a reprinting of the Mona Lisa (sure…Duchamp already did that, but let’s just make that our little secret) or a mini Roman bust?  Just wrap that up with you chosen item of destruction – may I suggest a shiny, new hammer – and let the annihilation begin.

Lacerba, a Futurist-inspired restaurant in Milan.  Photo courtesy of Francesco Lodolo.

Gift #2: Cook them a meal that ignites all the senses.

An ordinary holiday meal would just bore the Italian Futurist – where is the excitement?  The intensity?  Instead, take a peak at the Futurist Cookbook to create  a holiday meal to remember!  And don’t you dare touch that pasta – it will only make your Italian Futurist sluggish, unoriginal and ill-prepared for war.

For an appetizer, start with The Soil of Pozzuoli and the Greenery of Verona.  A simple starter to prepare, this recipe only calls for candied citrons, stuffed with chopped fried cuttlefish, chewed up as if they were anti-Futurist critics!

The main course can always be hard to choose, so let me recommend Sculpted Meat.  Sculpted Meat – a synthetic interpretation of the orchards, gardens and pastures of Italy – is composed of a large cylindrical rissole of minced veal stuffed with eleven different types of cooked vegetables.  Stand this cylinder upright in the middle of the plate, crown it with a thick layer of honey and support it on the bottom with a sausage ring, which must rest on three golden spheres of chicken meat.

Ending the meal with Simultaneous Ice-Cream will close the evening on a high note.  All you need to do is freeze dairy cream with little squares of raw onion and – voila! – a dessert fit for a Futurist dinner.

If cooking is not your forte, don’t fret!  Just whisk your Italian Futurist off to Milan, where you can dine at Lacerba.  This Futurist-inspired restaurant no doubt delight.

*All recipes were taken directly from Marinetti’s “Futurist Cookbook” – a must have for any Futurist kitchen*

The street enters the house by Umberto Boccioni.  Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Gift #3: A window with a city view.

The city isn’t just a city – it is a living, breathing organism that makes your Italian Futurist happy to be alive.

I mean, the only thing better than watching over the city from your balcony is speeding through it in your car, which can only be topped soaring through it in your airplane.  Thus, unless you have a personal plane or enjoy speeding tickets, a balcony with invigorating city views is the best way to keep your Italian Futurist smiling year-round.

There is also plenty of Futurist furniture, clothing and music to fill the perfect Futurist apartment with, but let’s take one step at a time.  Find that perfect city view this holiday season, and we’ll work on the decor next year.

About the author

Ashley Gardini

Ashley Gardini is an art history educator and freelance cultural writer based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She's fascinated with the avant-garde, anything by Olafur Eliasson and art tourism. In addition to NOXP, you can find her at Art Nerd San Francisco and the St. Gardini Society.

Follow Ashley on Instagram, Tumblr and Twitter.

3 comments

3 pings

  1. Leanna

    HAHAHAHAHA. Perfect! Expect a box of rubble from me this xmas!!

  2. ehalvey

    Hahahahahaha!!!!! You made this medievalist cringe :D

    That simultaneous ice cream sounds…interesting.
    ehalvey recently posted..My ABC Travels

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